Someone once told me that the ego always speaks first. Well I think that’s bullshit. My heart always speaks first. Then my ego comes sweeping in to talk me out of it.
Early last week, I decided to take a risk in my life and business and expand before I was ready. Invest in myself. I felt so confident in my decision. Elated even. I knew it was the right the move and everything was perfectly aligning for me. All I had to do was trust myself and follow through.
Fast forward a few days and I’m in a whole different headspace. I let others around me tell me it’s too soon, it’s irresponsible and naive. I, myself, started looking for anything and everything in the environment to confirm that this wasn’t the way to go. That I should turn back. Back to safety and certainty. I thought this must be the voice of reason. I should listen to her more. I should stop being so hopeful and prepare for the worst. I thought this could be it, I’ve gotten away with jumping before I was ready in the past but this was the last time. The end of the line.
I woke up the next morning, dropped into the little meditation I talked about last Tuesday, but skipped the next step. I started the day at my therapist’s office and the first thing she said to me was, “I see a lot fear in your eyes today.” I was caught off guard because I thought I’d played it cool. But since she called spade a spade I decided to spill all of those fears all over that room. Just expel them from my mind and body.
I walked out of there, followed through with my decision, and moved through my day. The next morning, I woke up, meditated, and transitioned swiftly into the next step of my mind training; 20 minutes of yoga. I don’t put on any fancy workout gear or even roll a mat out. I just step out of bed (pj’s or no pj’s), find enough space for my body, and flow through it.
Half way through the first few poses, I literally started to laugh out loud. It was so clear what had happened. I had let myself stray away from confidence and trust towards fear. Even after Monday’s post about silencing that critic, I had let it stay. Willingly feeding it the fuel it was looking for.
It wasn’t until I got back into my body, out of my head, and into those uncomfortable positions that complete clarity came.
I thought about it later - why yoga is such a mindfulness practice - and though I initially included it in my little training trifecta to learn to stay in the discomfort, focus my thoughts, and breathe, I think it’s more than that.
All of those positions I had shaped myself into as the sun came up that morning included placing my head below my heart. We spend our whole lives with our head above our hearts. But the mind needs to learn how to honor the heart first, and most importantly, have the courage to let it lead.
Life by Design was born out of a need for my own self-healing after decades of unresolved illness. It wasn’t until finding the courage to look within that I discovered it was my own belief system holding me back from experiencing a truly thriving life. We all have access to that thriving life. We just need to rediscover our power and ignite the healing-self. Only then can we unapologetically live a life by our own design.